This is crazy! Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone? She’ll never leave Fred and we know it.
- Dave Lister
Why don’t you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don’t you know your own ZIPCODE?
Life is hard according to infomercials. (Click for more proof)
Who the hell makes a sandwich like that? Shaggy and Scooby Doo??
Who the hell makes a sandwich like that? Dagwood Bumstead
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
- Demetri Martin
..The TENSION mounts as I MASSAGE your RIGHT ANKLE according to ancient Tibetan ACCOUNTING PROCEDURES..are you NEUROTIC yet??
America tragically continues to fall behind the Chinese. It seems like no matter what we do, they stay 13 hours ahead.
- Stephen Colbert
C’MON, everybody!! I’ve flown in LESLIE GORE and two dozen KOSHER BUTCHERS! They’ll be doing intricate MILITARY MANEUVERS to the soundtrack from “OKLAHOMA”!!
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- Stephen Wright