Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
I don’t want to sound callous. I mean, even if I have nothing to offer, that doesn’t matter, because that still doesn’t mean that what anybody else has to offer therefore has to be true.
- Richard Dawkins
I can’t decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.
- Homer J. Simpson
Yow! I just went below the poverty line!
I like a cold because I get to do my favorite drug, which is NyQuil. I love that stuff. What do the rest of you use? Robitussin? Robitussin, why do you bother? Non-narcotic sissy pansy bullshit! NyQuil’s the best thing I’ve ever read on a medicine package, ‘180 Proof.’ It’s the moonshine of medicine. You can buy it on a holiday! When I got a cold, I want something that’s gonna fuck me up! Cause that way the blur seems interesting… NyQuil comes in two colors, red and green. It’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like…red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That’s right, NyQuil makes a dandy eggnog. Oh yeah, my friends bitched through the whole party, ‘This tastes like shit!’ But at the end of it, we had a fun sleepover.
- Lewis Black
Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
- Jack Handey